This week, as everyone knows, the manliest of manly videogames ever made about manly men playing a manly sport in manly pads and manly helmet is out. Yeah, baby, it’s Madden NFL 13 and I’ll be reviewing it too!
Thankfully the folk I’m working for know the importance of this title and so took steps to ensure that not only did it arrive in one piece, but I’d have the necessary equipment to review it when it did. Take a look, for example, at the security measures they took before sending it via the post
You’d need a blowtorch to steam that amount of tape off! Or a knife to cut through it, but then you wouldn’t be able to rummage through the contents and re-seal it if you did. Score 1 for manly security. But what’s this?
Clearly playing Madden NFL 13 is going to produce sweat upon my brow, and what better way to clear away this perspiration than a manly purple sweat strap? I can taste the testosterone now! It tastes fuzzy!!
But removing bodily fluids isn’t the only thing this
peripheral sportsman’s asset does. It’s outer flap bears the legend of the most awesome brand in sports entertainment. No, not the WWE! The other one!
Flip open this flap and what do we have? A list of play calls? A cheat sheet for NFL noobs? A list of commands to yell at the Kinect module in the hope it’ll recognise half of them?
NO! It’s a series of Godlike pronouncements that, when spoken, are capable of reigning down a litany of destruction on any foes one face on the field of manly competition!!
Are you pumped!? I said are you pumped??!! I CAN’T HEAR YOOOOOU!!!!