And lo it was the third day of the week, being Wednesday
That the atheist known as Nick didst download From Dust
And upon playing it for several hours
Didst experience fury that threatened the integrity of his Xbox 360 controller.
Mark ye, he didst not become wrathful because From Dust was rubbish
For it was actually very good.
The game was pleasing to behold, ambitious in its creation
And the bally dusty thing was very very cool.
Nick was pleased at his newfound abilities
Which allowed him to collect large swirling spheres of sand
Big wobbly dollops of water
And rock-forming globules of molten lava
He chuckled with satisfaction
As he built towers of sand, jagged mountain tops
Gouged pathways through water
And guided his AI charges over harsh terrain to safety
Nay, From Dust by and large didst not irk Nick
It played quite well, the HUD was uncluttered
The graphics were good and so was the soundtrack
Despite, perhaps, an over-reliance on didgeridoos
Nick didn’t even vent his spleen at the age old trick played on gamers
You know, the one where a game makes the player feel omnipotent
By casting them in the role of an all-powerful deity
And then they find out they’re actually at the beck and call of an AI
Nay, the mighty Nick didst lose his rag upon learning
That the tiny little people the game required him to aid
Were cretins to a man
And really, at the end of the day, didn’t deserve his help
How infuriating those little morons proved
How stupid were their antics
How maddeningly erratic were their movements
And how demanding they were, with little justification to be so
Why, when the deity Nick had cleared a path for them
By parting the waves of the mighty ocean
Did they insist on taking a different route through the map
Which took them through a burning forest, killing the lot of them?
Why, when a village needed the repel water power
Did the plonker in charge of bringing it to them
Decide to take stop halfway on his journey in front of hillock
Instead of going round it when the way had been cleared?
The stupidity of the mortals angered the divine Nick
He screamed and tossed his controller to the floor in disgust
Then he picked it up again
And used molten lava to set those who hadst vexed him on fucking fire!
The Nick began to realise how the Old Testament God must have felt
And why he’d told Noah to build an ark and then flooded the world
He checked in the menus for any ‘build an ark, Noah’ options
And finding none, burned a couple more villages to the ground
Angering the great and good Nick further was the fact
That the internet was filled with unqualified praise for the game
Not one of his most trusted critics mentioned the idiocy of his tiny charges
Not one single bloody review
Still, The Nick’s raging, in the end, wasn’t a viable solution
And neither was his violent and vengeful molten lava wrath
From Dust simply restarted levels he had failed
Providing him with another collection of idiots to wet-nurse
Oh what a pack of brain-dead numptys
The Nick didn’t know what irritated him more
Was it that they chose to build homes on flood plains and next to volcanoes?
Or was it they all wore stupid masks which looked like pieces of Christmas Cake?
Still, The Nick had no option but to keep playing
A review was due and besides
The only other game available to play was Dance Party: The Smurfs
And he was putting off playing that fucker for as long as possible