Last night the GMAs were held in a swanky ballroom in Holborn. Who won? Who didn’t? Who was a total loser? Read on…
18:34 – 18:36 Head out of Holborn Tube Station and walk to The Princess Louise pub. See a collection of PR and Gaming hacks already congregating outside the boozer. Am asked by lovely PR guy with the bluest, shiniest shoes in Christendom if I’d like a drink. I open my mouth to say beer, remember I’m on the wagon, briefly consider flouting my diet, remember my evil brother personal trainer reads this blog and say “lime and soda, please.” Hacks arch eyebrows and announce loudly that there is free booze at the GMAs. I drink down my manly lime and soda and hate everyone except lovely PR man who brought me said lime soda. How was he to know about evil personal trainer brother? Besides he has the best shoes!
18:36 – 19:30 Stand around outside the Princess Louise and slowly turn blue from cold. Glass with lime, soda with ice in it attaches itself to my hand. Will probably make getting a refill easier. More hacks and PR arrive. All drink alcohol in front of me and cruelly enjoy doing so. Some even remark on how tasty the beverages are, even though this is a Sam’s Smith pub and I’ve always though their lager has the faintest hint of dishwater about it. Speculate on who will win later. Speculate on who the Gaming Hack Legend will be. Speculate on whether, now that I’ve lost all feeling in my pint glass holding/attached to hand, that it isn’t time to head over to the venue which might be warmer than standing around outside in sub-zero temperatures. Hacks with warm coats ignore me. PRs with warm coats ignore me. PRs with light coat nods vigorously, but that could be because of the cold. PR wearing no coat drops dead on the pavement. Time to go.
19:33 – 19:38 Head over to the venue. Stand in queue. See ‘Driver Babes’ from raffle ticket perched on the side of a canary yellow vintage muscle car next to the venue. They are wearing skin-tight tanktops, hot-pants and make-up. Think make-up probably weighs more than their clothes. Hope someone throws a blanket over them in short order because they look absolutely freezing. Get asked for raffle ticket by PR lady. Hand it over and am told I’ve won nothing. Nothing, do you hear? Smile sweetly at lady, knowing that she is cold and so are the Driver Babes and soon I shall be indoors. Behind me someone wins something. Hate them. Behind me someone else gets told they’re a loser. They can be my friends.
Head into the venue and down the stairs to the cloakroom. Am told by cloakroom attendant that it will cost four quid to check in my coat and bag. Laugh out loud at his funny joke. Do a double take. Realise that cloakroom attendant wasn’t joking and fork over five quid. Wonder out loud if I could expense the cost. Laugh out loud at my own funny joke. Hand over a fiver and get a quid change, along with a couple of coat tickets which I sew into my skin so I won’t lose them.
19:39 – 19:45 Go downstairs. Run into Disappointment. He is drinking Pinot Grigio. He is up for two awards tonight and he will probably win both of them. Because he will, that’s why. Run into Daily Girl Attack Panic Super HD Remix (who from now and ever more will be known as DGAPSHDR). She is drinking but says it’s medicinal because she has flu. Open my mouth to say I hope she gets better soon but then remember she might give me germs and think better of it. Head to the bar. Ask for a lime and soda. Am handed a beer. Look at beer and look at barman. Barman turns back on me. Walk away from bar and run into Thongings who asks where the hell I’ve been and then notices the beer in my hand. He snidely says that he thought I was on the wagon. Expound on the barman’s incompetence and protest my innocence. Protestations are greeted with withering laughter. Run into AshtonRaze. Nominee for best hat of the night. AshtonRaze says he’s positive we will win. His positivity is greeted with withering laughter from myself and Thongings. Run into GMcAllister. He’s nominated for best writer. Doesn’t seem to care if he wins so long as there is free booze. Like his attitude.
19:45 – 20:03 File into the venue’s ballroom. Find table. Note where table is in reference to the stage. Sense that we aren’t going to win anything is reinforced. Sit next to chaps from GamesTM and OXM. OXM guy says they’re not up for anything. GamesTM guy says they are but the rest of his crew is scattered throughout the venue. Sense that we aren’t going to win anything is further reinforced. OXM guy says one bloke already left their table when he got “a better offer” from EA’s table. Help myself to a beer. Who cares what evil brother trainer has to say? Head outside and have a cig. See Hack Mate posing by car. Snap him in photo.
Wonder where Driver Babes are. Wonder if they froze to death. Wonder if they’ve been stuffed and mounted and are now being offered to lucky lucky raffle winners. Return to find plates of burgers, hot dogs and pizzas have been put on the table. Reach for burger and am told by OXM guy that the burgers taste like stray cats. Reach for hot dog instead. Wonder how OXM guy knows what stray cats taste like. Think better of asking him. Crack open another beer. Loud booming voice echoes through room announcing that the “award ceremony will start in 10 minutes”. Half the room leaves to have a smoke. Quarter of the room leaves to go to the loo. Bide time and wait until room starts to fill again. Head to loo. No queue. I rule.
20:04 – 20:31 Head back to the main hall and pass ChannelMike on the way. ChannelMike heads into a toilet cubical muttering something about an unholy trinity of burgers, pizza and hotdogs and looking for all the world like he’s about to sick up a stray cat. Catch sight of young Olivia Newton John wearing black spandex on a wide-screen TV next to the bar. Yummy. Go into hall and pull up a chair. Thongings smirks about my beer drinking. Irk him by nicking the last Heineken. Comedian comes on stage and impresses with performance. Crowd impresses more by not talking right over the top of said performance as they have done with every other poor comedian whose ever been uninformed/stupid enough to agree to perform at the GMAs.
20:31 – 22:15 Some award ceremony happens.
22:31 – 23:00 Head back into the bar. Remember I’m supposed to write an article in time for midday tomorrow and decide to cut off the alcohol stream. Run into nice lady from Eurogamer on the way to the bar. She asks me what drink I’d like. I say Coke. She inquires as to whether or not I am with child. I tell her about the article. She makes a face at me as though she’s just seen me take all the skin off my face with a cheese grater. Hands me Coke. Run into Nice PR from Capcom. He says great things are on the horizon then runs off to the loo. Run into nice PR from Nintendo. He says great lunches are on the horizon and runs off to the bar. Run into nice PR from lunch. She says that nice beers are on the horizon for her and then proceeds to laugh at me. Run into GMcAllister. Ask him how it feels have not won best writer and instead to be, like, a total loser. GMcAllister flicks long golden locks away from his face and says he doesn’t know, but he’ll ask my wife in the morning. Challenge him to pistols at dawn on Hampstead Heath on Sunday. He suggests drinks when I come off the wagon instead. Far more sensible.
23:01 – 23:05 Head upstairs to cloakroom. Ask for coat and bag. Rip coat tickets from my flesh and bleed profusely over the money-grubbing coat attendants to pay them out. Notice what someone thinks of their GMA.
23:06 – 00:06 Bugger off home to bed.
In the interests of full disclosure:
- I have never read Retro Gamer
- I have heard of One Life Left but never been to their site.
- I haven’t listened to a gaming podcast, aside from those on NowGamer and Eurogamer
- It’s not the GMA Awards. It’s the GMAs. Otherwise it would be the Games Media Awards Awards and that would be silly.
- I haven’t played the Grease game yet.
- I have seen the Blyth Report and no one points at a camera like Jon Blyth. No one.
- In the cold light of day, I’m not sure about the comedian’s rape gag.
- I didn’t buy the last issue of PC Zone.
- We didn’t win last night, but we also didn’t get booed like we did last year when our name was read out, so I consider that an improvement.
- A PR guy from Activision is convinced that we won this year AND last year. So we’re winners in someone’s mind at least.
And finally. This is what a winner looks like!
Congratulations! I hope the JD tastes great!
Next year, people!