And another thing: True Gaming Tat

Nintendo merchandise

An example of non-custom gaming tat. Rubbish.

Looking at the Shiny stuff: Final Fantasy XIII Elixir post made me realise I don’t get sent gaming tat, ever. I’m sure I’m not the only one either, so what to do? The answer is simple: make your own. Why settle for glossy, well produced merchandise when you can have custom-made, genuine rubbish with absolutely no official endorsement? Why indeed. So I’ve put together a step-by-step guide to create the hottest, most sought-after custom gaming tat this side of a Pacman tattoo. Remember to ask an adult’s permission before engaging in any arts and crafts.

Shank Shank (Shank)

This one’s simple. Take a run of the mill knife (the blunter the better, you wouldn’t want anybody getting hurt as you brandished it around in your local GAME store – personally I’ve gone with a butter knife).

Knife

A simple butter knife

Next, take your everyday CD marker pen.

CD marker pen

A CD marker pen. Mandatory.

Use the CD marker pen to perform the following actions.

Written

"Shank" - that's the name of the game!

Written

EA, otherwise known as Electronic Arts.

If you’re feeling particularly creative, you can use more than one colour. Now you’ll be the envy of your friends, co-workers and parole officer with this branded Shank knife. Other suggested customisations are Assassin’s Creed, Ninja Gaiden or Cooking Mama.

The Darkness print signed by Mike Patton (The Darkness)

Take a close-up photograph of something really dark. This includes, but is not limited to: a black cat, the night sky, the interior of a Ford Fiesta, a PS3. You should end up with something like this:

The ghost and...

Check out the polygons on THAT.

Now, in your finest black marker, draw Mike Patton’s signature. Just guess what it looks like, it’s not as if any of your friends are going to have signed Mike Patton merch to compare, I doubt anyone you know is that cool. Position it roughly in the area shown below.

A red circle

The penmanship is exquisite. If you stare really hard, you can see it.

Now simply print your masterpiece. Frame it if you wish. I’m going to skip this step as I don’t have anywhere near the required black ink, but needless to say, my walls would be covered in similar prints if I did. Voila, one signed piece of The Darkness memorabilia.

Rolled Up Newspaper (Nintendogs)

Find a newspaper. I’ve gone with The Telegraph (!) but you can go with anything you have to hand. Perhaps a copy of The Metro, or your local paper, or The Daily Mail.

The Telegraph

The Telegraph's Technology section. About to be rolled.

Roll the paper up (top corner to top corner) until it forms a tight tube. Not too thin, but not loose enough that if you wave it around like a ninja with ADHD it’s going to fall apart.

Rolo

A rolled-up newspaper. Not a lot to say about this one.

Personally, I now choose to sellotape either end (and once in the middle) to ensure a firm, supple roll. Others favour the ‘grip and pray’ method but I find that too risky.

Sellotaped

A more secure rolled-up newspaper. Go team!

Now, take the same CD pen you used to make the Shank Shank, and write NINTENDOGS on the newspaper. You can choose where it goes. Notice I have drawn a dog’s face as well. This is optional.

Nintendogs!

Aww, check out the puppy. Check out my art skills. I'm kind of a big deal.

Well done, now you have an official-looking Nintendogs branded rolled up newspaper. The possibilities for this are endless. You could wave it at a dog, wave it at your significant other, wave it at a stranger, or even at your friendly tax inspector. There really is no limit to what you can do with a Nintendogs rolled-up newspaper, apart from impress anybody.

Lon Lon Ranch Milk In A Jar (The Legend Of Zelda)

Take your common or garden jar, be sure to rinse it thoroughly before use. I’ve used one containing Morrisons Cranberry Jelly (expired) but it’s up to you. A gigantic jar might be hard to lug around though, so bear that in mind.

Jar

This jar contained cranberry jelly. I don't even like cranberry jelly.

Next, take some milk. I’ve used M&S Organic Skimmed Milk but again, it’s up to you. Some people prefer full cream milk, I don’t. I do not judge. Actually, I once caused controversy with some games industry types by stating I didn’t take milk in my tea or coffee. This could explain why I don’t get sent gaming tat, and have to make my own. Anyway…

Milk

M&S Milk. Perfect for tea or coffee, if you're not me.

Now pour some milk into the jar. The amount you fill it with is up to you, but take care not to spill any. Now reseal the jar and bam, a legitimate jar of Lon Lon Ranch Milk. It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!

Jar of milk

A jar of milk. You could also fill the jar with water or a fairy.

Join me next time, where I’ll be teaching you how to recreate gaming social events and parties with your friends and family. Don’t miss it!

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About Ashton Raze

Hi, I like to write things. Occasionally these things aren't made up. Usually those things are about videogames.
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